Abortion attempt survivor. Voice for the voiceless.

Although getting to sleep each night has become more and more difficult, what with the basketball of a stomach that I am sporting, the night sweats that I have, and the scorching heartburn, I thankfully get a lot of thinking done during all of that late night tossing and turning.

Between my daydreaming about what Olivia will look like, my worries about finding time to do it all once she comes, and trying to positively visualize an easy birth (hey, they say that that really works), it finally hit me—I am now further along in my pregnancy than my mother was with me! It’s like this invisible line that had been drawn in the sand years ago, I finally crossed. Not that it’s probably that big of a deal to anyone else but me, but it really carries a lot of meaning. Not only have I moved past what my mother experienced, but I feel so much better knowing that my daughter will be delivered long after when I arrived in this world, which I hope means that she will be much healthier than I was.

Ten weeks to go and counting!

December 13, 2007

So, I’ve been thinking A LOT. Isn’t it fascinating that our first child is going to be a girl?! It’s like everything is coming full circle. The first daughter that was not supposed to have life is going to give life to her first daughter. This is no coincidence in my book. Of course, despite how thrilled I am about having a daughter, I feel scared and worried about her future, about the world we live in. I am more fierce now in my commitment to share my story with others and improve the world that we life in. Besides life itself, the greatest gift that I can give my unborn daughter is a world in which women do not have to choose between their lives as they know them and being a mother.

I have started her baby book, and I am proudly including in her book the press from the various speeches that I have been giving while pregnant with her. I can only hope that one day these will mean as much to her as they do to me.

January 18, 2007

I headed out today to Omaha for my flight tomorrow to D.C. On Sunday, I will be on the panel of speakers for FFL at the Students for Life conference. Even though it has only been five months since I was last there, I can’t help but be struck by how different I am, how much more grounded I am in my beliefs about life and motherhood.

The most interesting thing that happened today, of course, was connected to our dear unborn baby, Olivia. As I’ve shared before, she’s a real mover and shaker, but she appears to be even more active when I am reading/thinking/working on speeches, writings, and talking about pro-life activities. Maybe I am just imagining that she’s all the more active at those times, but tonight, as I was memorizing my speech (once again, thanks to those pregnancy hormones that zapped my memory), she didn’t stop moving for hours! I can’t help but think that we’ve got a future, very active, pro-lifer on our hands!

January 19, 2008

Tonight we ran through our speeches at the FFL offices, in preparation for tomorrow. Not only was it wonderful to see everyone from FFL and the other College Outreach Speakers, but it was wonderful to find out that I am one of three women that are also now pregnant. I must admit, it’s nice to finally be part of the “big girls” group, and have stories to swap, hopes and dreams to share. Once again, I am acutely aware that I had NO IDEA what a huge influence pregnancy and child-birth has on someone, personally, until it happened to me.

Although I memorized my speech last night, I read through it off of the paper tonight. Once again, I struggled emotionally to get through it. Maybe it was all of the pregnancy hormones in the room, but when I got to the part of my speech where I reflect on the fact that if my mother’s abortion attempt would have been successful, I never would have met my husband, and never would have had the opportunity to look forward to the impending birth of our daughter in April, I got terribly choked up. It seems like what I can handle, on the surface, as being very matter of fact, having survived what was meant to be a lethal attempt on my life, having not been meant to marry, become a mom myself, deep down inside, is really not a matter of fact. It is much more painful for me to bear than what I often care to admit. The women that I have connected with in FFL can see through the transparency of my matter of factness, and can understand, through their own experiences, how painful the reality of abortion is.

January 24, 2007

I know that I’ve mentioned it before, but our little Olivia is a lively one! I believe that she was meant to be lively. For me, the child who was not supposed to have life, I believe that I am meant to give life to a lively child. Although 99.99% of the time Olivia’s movements put me in awe, provide me with hours of pleasure (yes, Olivia, even when you are punching my bladder like it’s a punching bag), and make me more and more excited for her arrival, I can’t help but have those fleeting moments of emotional upset about my biological mother and whether she felt me move.

I’ve always wondered what my biological mother experienced during her pregnancy with me, but experiencing the development and life of my unborn baby has added new questions to ponder, more issues for me to consider about her and her pregnancy. Knowing that she was likely farther along in her pregnancy than 22 weeks—more like 28 weeks, I can’t help but realize, now, that she had to have felt me moving for at least a few weeks prior to her abortion attempt. Did my movement not reflect to her that she had a living being developing inside of her? Or maybe, did my movement reflect to her, just that, that a living being was developing inside of her, and this was alarming to her? Either way, it saddens me deeply that the pride and joy that I experience in the daily karate kicks and somersaults of baby Olivia, she very likely did not experience with me.

I know that my mind is my own worst enemy, but when I have thoughts like this one, my next thought is about what she experienced in her next pregnancy. Knowing that she had two other daughters, I can’t help but wonder if she found enjoyment and happiness in her subsequent pregnancies. I can’t help but wonder if she experienced any trauma or upset as it related to having terminated her pregnancy with me. I would not wish that upon anyone, including her, but there is a part of me that wants for her to have remembered me, to remember what happened to me.