Abortion attempt survivor. Voice for the voiceless.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, and I will likely say it thousands times more throughout my lifetime.  I NEVER cease to be amazed by the pain and suffering that men, women, family members, friends, and communities experience as a result of abortion.  Certainly, I can relate.  I can’t relate, however, to the terrible grief, the shame and guilt, that so many experience and feel as a result of the role that they played in aborting a life.  Each week, I receive a handful of emails and letters from people who have been impacted by abortion and feel compelled to share their story, their pain, with me.  I am saddened by the depths of their pain, but I am grateful that they share their stories with me.  Sometimes I am the only person that they have told about the abortion, many times they just feel the intense need to share their story with a child, just like their own, who miraculously survived, when theirs did not.  Whatever the circumstances, abortion HURTS EVERYONE.

With all of the fanfare surrounding Pam and Tim Tebow’s Superbowl ad tomorrow night, I felt it fitting to share the following letter with all of you.  Certainly, I feel that the Lord intended for me to receive this letter this week and share this unknown woman’s story with all of you.  She may be nameless, but I feel driven to give her a voice.  She needs to be heard.  Here is a letter (with any identifying information removed) I received this week from a woman here in the U.S.  Please pray for her, just as you would for my own biological mother and all of the men, women and other family members and friends whose lives have been impacted by abortion.

Hi Dear Melissa,

I read your article in our local paper-Wow—what a positive attitude-and of course I cried—Back in 1974, I was a single lady who had an abortion-the father didn’t know anything about it-I was a drunk-would have been my parents first grandchild and of course I was all alone-didn’t know what to do or who to talk too.  So, of course, I found a doctor in the cities-had money and no one to drive me to or from the clinic, so slept in their parking lot overnite-after the abortion, they asked if I had a ride home and of course, I said “yes” even though I didn’t-barely made it home after sitting in their cafeteria for most of the day reading.  Now it’s been 35 years and I’m still alone.  I promised God I’d never bring a child into this world, so I met another guy (another drunk like I) who didn’t want kids either-so I’m still married to a drunk and I don’t drink much, so we’re both unhappy and waiting to die.  No matter what I do is wrong, just like the rest of my life.

Thanks for listening and enjoy your little Olivia-aren’t kids great-bring joy and love into our lives.  Take care, love, peace.

To this dear woman who sent me this letter, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  The Lord has forgiven you if you’ve asked for forgiveness….I hope that one day you can forgive yourself.  You are loved, my dear sister in Christ.

I came across this letter the other day that I wrote Olivia for her first birthday and was so moved by reading it again, that I thought that I’d share it with all of you. For anyone out there who still doubts the impact of abortion, please read my love letter to my firstborn below.

Just think, if that abortion would have been successful in ending my life, I never would have had the opportunity to be a mother. I never would have had the opportunity to be HER mother. Just think, my daughter would never have lived if I had not survived.

April 26, 2009

My dearest Olivia, Today is your first birthday! I just can’t believe how fast the year has gone! It seems like just yesterday I was lying in bed at the hospital, anxiously awaiting your arrival! You have grown so quickly from a little baby into a big girl!

I will forever cherish the memories of my pregnancy with you, and I will never forget just how active you were in my belly—no one really could believe or understand me when I told them that you never rested in there, but I think now that they’ve seen how active you are over the past year, they can start to believe me now! And oh, what a stubborn little thing you were on the night of your birth! You were not coming out of there without a little bit of a push (or actually pull)!

You made the Dr. look for more help with getting you out, but in true Olivia-style, you decided to come out at the last minute, after having pushed him to look for other options! In that moment that you arrived into the world, I could feel your strength and your will—you are such a strong girl, already at your young age. And you were so beautiful! A head full of dark hair, a beautiful, dark complexion, and plump, the Dr. even had to remark about how fat your little cheeks were! You didn’t cry much when you came out, even when the nurse pushed you to do so.

Your birth was the most wonderful night of my life.  I would do it all over again, because you are worth every ounce of pain that I experienced.  Just as your birth was the most wonderful night of my life, this past year has been the best year of my life (even though at the time I am writing this you STILL don’t sleep through the night!)

There are so many things that I can say about your first year of life, but I will try to keep this as short as possible.  You have brightened the lives of everyone that you have come into contact with, especially mine.  Everyone who knows you, loves you, not just me.  Your daddy adores you, you have your grandpas and grandmas wrapped around your little finger, random strangers are struck by your beauty and your funny personality.  Seriously, we can’t take you anywhere in public without someone remarking about how pretty you are!

What are my favorite things about you?

You are so funny! Never before have I met a child who makes people laugh like you do.  Whether you are playing peek-a-boo, chasing me around the house, screeching and babbling, waving, or simply just hugging on someone, you are just a delight to be around.  You have the most wonderful little belly laugh—I love to tickle you just to hear it!

You are a beautiful girl, period.  I love everything about you from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, but most of all I love your big eyes and your beautiful smile.  I suspect that you will grow up to be like me, and you will tell a lot through your face and your gestures; you already tell a lot through the flash of your eyes—it is easy to see if you are happy, sad, or just plain mischevious.  You have been quick to smile ever since you were just a few months old, but for a long time, you only flashed that beautiful smile to those that you REALLY liked.  Now you smile more often than not, and your wide grin, full of teeth (a couple of them crooked), is just a beauty to behold.

Believe it or not, I have always loved your hands and feet! Let me explain why….Your hands never stop moving (nor do your feet really, either).  Just like when you were in my belly, you are constantly touching, twirling, pinching, grabbing, pulling and scratching at things.  Even when you were just a few months old, you loved to take your index finger and scratch at new textures that you came across.  Of course, you using those little hands to pinch and scratch yourself so you stay awake is not so fun, but it is pretty funny!

As for those cute little feet of yours, I have known you had monkey-feet like me since your birth, and boy, have you figured that out.  You love to pick things up with your toes, rub your feet up against things to feel their texture, and you are not crazy about wearing socks or shoes.  Someday I will share stories with you about how you used to cry when I put your socks and shoes on you!

What are some of my other favorite things about you?  You are strong, physically and mentally.  You are not a delicate girl, by any means.  You play hard, you are rarely phased by falling down, you like to be active, and you sure communicate to us what you want and need.  You are a very determined girl, to the point that many others have noticed this about you, too.  Whatever you want to do or get, you work at it until you get it.  Of course, you are likewise a stubborn little thing, like your Mom and your Dad.  Once you set your mind on something, there is no one or not one thing that is going to change it.  Ahhh….I can see the power struggles that we will have in your teenage years, already!

My list of what I love about you could go on and on and on, but my last one for this letter is this:  I love that you are my daughter! I am so blessed to have you in my life, and I look forward to all of the rest of the years of my life with you in it.  Thank you for being you and for loving me!

What is my favorite memory of you from this past year? I have way too many to count, but I will share a few of them with you:

∙The moment you were born.

∙All of your firsts-Your first smile, your first laugh, first time of rolling over, first time sitting up by yourself, first time pulling yourself up, first time standing, first steps, first time saying mama, dada, hi, waving bye.  Even the first time that I saw you hit another kid at daycare was a favorite memory of mine!

∙Even though I am not fond of being up all hours of the night, I love snuggling with you in the rocking chair in the deep, dark of night, while you play with my hair; I will treasure those memories forever.

∙I love story time with you and have lots of great memories around it.  I enjoyed rocking in the rocking chair and reading to you when you were in my belly.  I started reading to you when you were just a few weeks old, and although you’ve always seemed to enjoy it, you have taken a huge liking to it since you were about 10 months old.  You like to point to the books you would like to read, and you definitely have your favorites—The Can Do Choo-Choo and all sorts of pop up books.

∙You waking up in the morning.  You have been a morning person from the very beginning, but as you have gotten older, you have been more and more vocal about it.  Some of my favorite memories from this past year involve you waking up and chattering away, climbing all over your Dad and I in bed, looking for the dog or cat to pet.  I tell you, you are not one who takes awhile to wake up.  The minute those eyes of yours pop open in the morning, that’s it—you are ready to take on the day!

∙Our family time each evening.  Although what this looks like has changed as you have gotten older, I have wonderful memories of the times that your dad and I have spent with you each night.  When you were first born, this usually consisted of you cuddling up with us and watching tv or going for a walk.  As you have gotten older, it progressed to working with you on rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, playing with toys, dancing and singing, playing outside, and most of all, climbing and hugging all over us!

∙Your attendance at the Siouxland Interfaith Prayer Service and my speeches in Storm Lake were very special to me.  You are an important little girl in the pro-life movement already!

This letter will be the first of many letters that are written to you on your birthday.  My plan is to write you a letter for each of your birthdays and leave them for you to read when you are old enough to read and understand them.  I hope that you enjoy them when you get older.

Although you are not old enough right now to understand why I am crying tears of love and joy as I write this letter, someday you will understand.  You have been the greatest gift of my life, and I love you more than I could ever put into words.  You are by far the most amazing little person that I have ever met, and I can’t wait to see the amazing big person that you will become.

All my love, Mommy

It’s been almost a week now since Nancy Pelosi came out publicly with her comments about abortion coverage in the national healthcare plan and her personal beliefs about abortion and how they are or are not connected to her Catholic faith.  I’ve been praying for Ms. Pelosi for months now, but after hearing her comments last week, I have been praying more fervently for her.  I have been mulling over writing her a letter for days now, and I am going to give all of you first glance at the initial thoughts that I plan on sharing with her:

1)  You state, “thank God” the Senate bill includes massive funds for abortion.

I say, THANK GOD that He saved me from certain death by saline infusion abortion.

THANK GOD that He saved me from being burned alive from the outside in.

THANK GOD He spared me from suffering from any form of physical, emotional or mental disability as a result of the abortion procedure.

THANK GOD that instead of living her life knowing that she ended the life of her first born child, my biological mother has been able to know that her child was given the gift of life-as opposed to the millions of women just like her who are not so blessed to say that their children lived.

2)  You say, “I never count on Republicans.”

I never count on most Democrats, like yourself, to help protect and respect me, my life, and those of my fellow unborn brothers and sisters.  Although there are certainly a handful of Democrats who are pro-life and are not afraid to admit it, by and large, you have continued to fail children like me each and every day.

Where would you be if your own biological mother made the same choice that mine did? When will you and your peers learn that without the basic right to life, healthcare for all Americans would not even be an issue?

3)  You state that restricting abortion amounts to a violation of women’s free will and is inconsistent with your Catholic faith.  You state that women should have the opportunity to exercise their free will.

Please tell me where my free will is as a woman who survived a failed abortion attempt, a lethal attempt on my life? Where does the concept of free will begin and end? At what point of my life, as a female, did I suddenly become “eligible” to exercise my free will? How is it right or just that without God’s grace in saving me from the abortion attempt that I NEVER would have had “the opportunity to exercise [my] free will?”

Do you believe that women being coerced into having an abortion, just like my own biological mother was, are REALLY exercising their own free will? Do you believe that by focusing all of our funding efforts on ending lives through abortion instead of focusing our attention and funding on addressing the real needs of pregnant women, such as the need for insurance coverage for the child’s birth, for the child after they are born,  meeting their financial needs, addressing their need for safe and habitable housing, providing them with emotional and social supports is REALLY helping to provide women in exercising their own free will?

Is it REALLY free will when you believe that there is no other option out there OTHER than abortion?

4)  You mention that you have “had five children in six years…so I appreciate and value all that they want to talk about in terms of family and the rest.”

First of all, I don’t mean to make an assumption about you, but to be honest, you are obviously making assumptions about me as an unborn child, so I feel compelled to share my hypothesis about what underlying issue may be driving your stance on abortion.

Being a mother is hard work, I know.  I only have one wonderful child, who is now 20 months old (who, by the way, would never have had the opportunity at life if her own mother would never have survived the abortion attempt), and she can be a handful.  I can only imagine what it was like for you to raise five children in the span of six years.  No matter how rewarding and wonderful it is to be a mother, I am sure that you had your moments of being under extreme stress.

I wonder whether your experience of having so many children in such a short time frame hasn’t impacted your thoughts on abortion….you may have chosen life for your five children, but maybe your experience has led you to believe that other women should have the “choice” to not be a mother of five in six short years? Are you at some level resentful of being the mother of five children in six years?

This is just the barebones of what I’m putting together…..let me know if you have any thoughts about it….I plan to keep working and reworking it and fill her in on the specifics of my survival, of my daughter’s life, etc.

To all of my unborn brothers and sisters out there who have been victims of abortion, to all of the fellow survivors of failed abortion attempts out there around the world who have lived to tell their story of survival and bear witness to the grace of God and the true reality of abortion, Happy Feast Day of the Holy Innocent.

The Feast of the Holy Innocent

Since the sixth century, on December 28, the Church has celebrated the memory of those children killed because of Herod’s rage against Christ (cf. Mt 2:16-17). Liturgical tradition refers to them as the “Holy Innocents” and regards them as martyrs. Throughout the centuries Christian art, poetry and popular piety have enfolded the memory of the “tender flock of lambs”(125) with sentiments of tenderness and sympathy. These sentiments are also accompanied by a note of indignation against the violence with which they were taken from their mothers’ arms and killed.

In our own times, children suffer innumerable forms of violence which threaten their lives, dignity and right to education. On this day, it is appropriate to recall the vast host of children not yet born who have been killed under the cover of laws permitting abortion, which is an abominable crime. Mindful of these specific problems, popular piety in many places has inspired acts of worship as well as displays of charity which provide assistance to pregnant mothers, encourage adoption and the promotion of the education of children.

As recorded in the gospel of Matthew (below), after the visit of the Magi, Herod, in rage and jealousy, slaughtered all the baby boys in Bethlehem and surrounding countryside in an attempt to destroy his perceived rival, the infant Messiah. These “innocents” are honored by the Church as martyrs.

In countries where our own innocents are daily being slaughtered by abortion, [like the U. S.], this feast day is a special time to remember the unborn, to pray for their cause, and perhaps to picket or pray at facilities where unborn babies are killed through abortion.

Source:  Women of Faith and Family-http://wf-f.org/NovUnb.html

If you ask my husband, he would tell you that I am rarely, if ever, out of words.  I am a talker.  I talk to myself;  I talked to my daughter continuously throughout the day and night when she was even just an infant, and I still do (guess that’s why she’s a talker, too); I talk to my husband when he probably just wants some peace and quiet.  I just can’t help it—I like to talk.  Don’t get me wrong, I like to listen, too, but I really like to talk.  Get me on stage at a speaking event and I could talk for hours (in fact, I have before).

This week, however, I’ve been rendered speechless.  As most of you reading this now probably know, I sent out a press release on Christian Newswire this past Monday, sharing my life story and ministry with the world.  Although I’ve been speaking publicly now for about 2 ½ years, and my story had been gaining notice around the world, I was still relatively anonymous prior to Monday’s release.  People who knew of me knew me through one of my speaking events, news or radio interviews, or through general word of mouth.  And although I’ve most certainly been okay with that, I’ve been praying intently lately about what the next steps are in my ministry, and the Lord guided me to send out that release.

Let me backtrack for a moment here, because I think that I need to expand on some experiences that have led up to Monday’s release…..

I don’t know about any of you, but I have the tendency to be impatient.  I generally have a hard time waiting for the Lord to give me an answer on something, anything!  I always tell Him that I will wait for His answer on something, but after a couple of days, or sometimes even just a couple of hours, I go ahead and do whatever it is that I want to do, without a definite answer from Him on the subject.  And without fail, I always have the same experience afterwards—-dead silence.  Nothing happens as a result of what I attempt to do.   If I sent an email to a literary agent about a manuscript that I am working on, I hear nothing back.  If I contacted a radio show about an interview, I get no response.  And so on and so forth, in all areas of my life, big and small.  I don’t know why I do it, when I know what the outcome will be; I guess I just can’t help myself-I’m a sinner, what can I say.

Each and every time that this happens, though, that I “jump the God,” as I like to say, and take matters into my own hands without guidance from Him, I feel like I am hitting my head against the wall.  I literally visualize myself trying to forcefully open a door that won’t budge, and I smack my head into the door.  And when I don’t wait for the Lord, or I don’t listen to his guidance, I smack my head over and over again.  I had been smacking my head against door after door an awful lot in the last month or two.  I always felt like I was grabbing, grabbing for something concrete to hold onto, for something that would further my ministry, but I was being impatient.  I wasn’t waiting for God’s answer; I wasn’t listening to what He was trying to tell me.  Finally, after getting tired of having a sore head and bruised spirit from all of the door banging, I prayed.  And instead of praying for the Lord’s guidance in my ministry, I began in recent weeks to pray for patience, in all areas of my life.  I began to pray for a quietness of mind and spirit that would allow me to truly listen, and hear the Lord’s plan for me.  I prayed for a deeper friendship with the Lord, where I could appreciate Him and share with Him in all aspects of my life.

And do you know what happened? I felt great.  I began to sit in conversation with Him and not ask Him for answers in my life and ministry, but just talked with Him, about all things, good and bad, my hopes and fears, my sins and penance.  I didn’t worry about what the “next step” was going to be, I simply began to enjoy everything in my life, including my prayer time, for what it was, not what it could be or what it might result in.  It had been far too long since I had prayed like that, without an agenda.

Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself, how shifting your focus in prayer and relationship with God can bring such peace and joy in your life.  If you haven’t, I certainly hope that someday you do, because it is awesome experience.  It’s interesting, even though I continued to talk and talk and talk in my everyday life, it is my very talk with the Lord that so positively influenced every aspect of my life in recent weeks, and ultimately led me to send out the press release.

I had known about the Christian Newswire service for many months now, but had been knocking on doors of my own choosing despite that knowledge.  To be honest, I’m not even sure how long the Lord had been telling me to send out that release through that site.  He very well could have told me numerous times to do it, but I didn’t hear Him, or I didn’t listen.  What I do know is that this past Sunday, He guided me back to the website to learn more about it, and I started working on the press release that night.  This time, however, instead of taking it at face value that this was His plan, I didn’t send the release off that night.  In fact, I didn’t even finish it.  I purposely left it unfinished and prayed about it before going to bed.  I prayed that the Lord give me the patience to wait for an answer on it before I moved any further on it.

When I woke up at 2:17 in the morning with the opening sentence to the release floating in my brain, I knew that it was His sign.  I knew that it was time to move forward and create a release to send through the Christian Newswire service, and that’s exactly what I did.

So, to get back to my original subject….why I am speechless? First of all, I am rendered speechless by the grace of God.  Who else would stand beside you while you were going against Him, taking matters into your own hands, but then still stand beside you when you were finally following Him and listening to His guidance?  Who else would partake in your joy for all of the little things in your life and then likewise be full of excitement and jubilation at the big step that you are taking in your ministry? Who else would wake you up in the middle of the night with the answer that you were finally willing to sit and wait days, if not even months for? He is amazing, isn’t He?!

I am also speechless at the overwhelming response that I received to sending out the press release.  To be honest, I was so wrapped up into following the Lord’s plan on sending it out, that I hadn’t even thought about what the potential outcome of it would be.  I knew that it would be good, otherwise He wouldn’t have directed me to do it, but I didn’t know how good.  So when, within hours of sending it out, I started to receive requests for interviews, speaking engagements, and general, supportive comments through my website, I was rendered speechless.

Although being given the gift of life and the opportunity to bear witness to His grace and glory are certainly the greatest gifts that I have been given (motherhood is the next greatest gift), having the opportunity to hear from others around the world who are fellow believers, others whose lives have been impacted by abortion, including those who have had abortions, themselves, is truly a wonderful gift.  I can’t tell you how many times in the past week now that I have been moved to tears by the kind words that I’ve received from people around the world, by how many people are interested in my story (although it’s really HIS story), and how many people are praying for me, my daughter and husband, and my ministry.

Just ask my husband…..it’s been pretty quiet around the house this week……he probably appreciates it that you’ve all helped rendered me speechless…..for awhile anyway.