Abortion attempt survivor. Voice for the voiceless.

“I’m going to Disneyland!” You won the Super Bowl? You sailed around the world? Now what are you going to do? Go to Disneyland, that’s what.  Or so the catchphrase goes.

Maybe it’s because I’m the mother of a soon to be four-year-old, who, like so many little girls her age, is mesmerized by all things Disney—the princesses, the castles, even the mere scrawling of the word, Disney, on merchandise and on the movie screen, invokes a shriek of joy from Olivia.  Maybe it’s because I’ve spent far too many visits recently with members of my biological family that involved an outpouring of tears from them over the abortion that was meant to end my life 34 years ago.  But for the last  couple of months, I have kept thinking over and over again about how my life hasn’t been “normal” in the past 20 years since I found out that I was an abortion survivor, how I can never turn off the reality in my heart and in my head about not only about what happened to me, but about what happens to children in our world everyday and how women, men, families, and entire communities are affected by abortion.   

“Look Mom, it’s Stitch!” Olivia shouted from her stadium chair as we watched Disney on Ice a couple of weeks ago.  As we watched Lilo, Stitch, Lilo’s sister, Nani, and others skate gracefully across the ice, depicting for us the meaning of ‘ohana, or family, I was reduced to a sobbing mess.  For those that may not know Lilo and Stitch, the backstory involves Lilo and Nani losing their parents in a car accident.  Stitch, a cute, albeit, historically dangerous alien life form, who looks more like a big mouse than an alien, is adopted by Lilo.  That’s the short version of the story.  The long version involves Dr. Jumba trying to recapture this alien life form on Earth and Lilo fighting to save and keep Stitch. 

‘Ohana.  Family.  Grief and loss.  Fighting to keep the family that you have.  Yep, I was a sobbing mess.  Even when the pace of the segment changed and Stitch was strumming a ukulele and singing Elvis tunes, I couldn’t get my mind off of it.  Abortion.  “I must be the only woman in this place watching a harmless show with her daughter and thinking about abortion,” I thought to myself.  I glanced around the arena filled with happy, joyful families, trying to shake the thought from my consciousness.  But as I watched Lilo and Stitch that Saturday with Olivia, I felt the deep pain that comes with experiencing loss and I sensed the powerful love that adoption had brought into Lilo and Stitch’s lives. 

“Why can’t I just go to a show with Olivia and enjoy myself?” I questioned.  “Why can’t my life just ever be normal?” Why? Because after an abortion, there is no “going to Disneyland,” like the old catchphrase goes.  As I’ve been telling students in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada this week, where I am speaking at seven different high schools, abortion changes everything.  It not only ends a life, but it transforms others, forever.  And not just a woman’s life, but a man’s life, grandparent’s lives, aunts and uncles, siblings, cousins, friends, communities.  Relationships are altered; many are damaged or ended. 

For so long now, women have been told not only that it’s their right to have an abortion, but so, too, they have been told that it is a simple procedure from which they can easily move on with their lives.  After an abortion, they can “go to Disneyland,” as the adage goes.  Men, too, have been guided to believe that an abortion meant that they could “go to Disneyland,” too, since their responsibility to a child no longer existed, and they could go on with their lives like nothing significant had happened.  Yet the experiences of post-abortive men and women reflect that life doesn’t just magically get better or simply and easily go on. I encourage you to check out the new videos by Silent No More (www.silentnomore.com) for stories that illustrate this first-hand. 

What is the allure of Disney and what is the significance of “going to Disneyland?” I’ve been pondering over the past few weeks.  Watching and listening to Olivia, I believe that it’s not only the flawless beauty of princesses or the storybook ideologies of love and valor, but the concept of ‘Happily Ever After’ that most attracts young and old alike.  No matter the depth of evil implored by Snow White’s wicked stepmother, the Queen, no matter how many difficulties or obstacles Cinderella faced at the hands of her Stepmother and Stepsisters, in the end, the heroines of Disney live happily ever after.  And we love that, don’t we?! It warms our hearts to see good triumph over evil, for love to win over hate, for life to triumph over death.  And we desperately want our lives to be the same. 

Yes, there are days that I wish I didn’t think about abortion the moment that I look at myself in the mirror in the morning as I wipe the sleep out of my eyes.  Yes, there are days that I wish that my last thought, my final prayers for the night, didn’t involve abortion.  Yes, there are days that I wish that I could take Olivia to a show like Disney on Ice and not think about abortion, but the truth is that there is no ‘Happily Ever After’ when it comes to abortion.  Abortion will always be a part of my life, the lives of my biological family, of my adoptive family, of Ryan and Olivia’s lives, of my friends’ lives.  We are forever touched and forever changed by that one decision that was made 34 years ago for my biological mother to have an abortion. 

No, there is no “going to Disneyland” for me when it comes to abortion.  I am forever impacted and forever changed.  But God-willing, more children will be blessed with life because I understand this and I am not afraid to speak out about it.  And maybe, just maybe, Miss Olivia Ohden, you will be going to Disneyland this year.  Not because we are looking for a ‘Happily Ever After,’ but because after four years, we are due for a family vacation.

Although there is a level of laughter  and even nostalgia for some around the “I’m going to Disneyland” phenomena, the reality is that it says a

With the March for Life just a few short days away, I know that pro-life leaders, organizations, and hundreds of thousands of pro-lifers are in a whirlwind of preparation for the upcoming events.  It is with both a mixture of excitement (to see old friends, make new ones and take a stand for life), and great sadness, that we mark the 39^th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision.  As many of you begin your hectic travels from across the U.S., and even from other parts of the world, to participate in the March for Life events, I wanted to give pause for a second to focus on what I believe is an important part of the March for the movement and the cause of life.

You will be blessed to hear from amazing individuals from across all spectrums of the issue of abortion during the March’s events.  From the mothers and fathers who grieve the loss of their children to hearing from leaders about how YOU can get involved, the opportunities to learn and grow are endless. And certainly, with every speaker that you listen to, every workshop that you attend, every step that you take during the March, you are also paying respects to the tens of millions of children whose lives have been lost from that one decision made 39 years ago.

As an abortion survivor, I believe that it is a mighty blessing indeed to not only be alive, but to be a voice for my pre-born brothers and sisters who were not afforded the opportunity at life as I have miraculously been afforded.  And on behalf of my 52 million brothers and sisters who were rendered lifeless and voiceless, I want to grant you pause from your busy schedule of preparation for the March to say thank you.  Those who have heard me speak know that it is difficult for me to find the exact words to describe what it’s like to be an abortion survivor sometimes.  Being a survivor is a blessing, a miracle, it is sometimes a battle, it is always a gift, it is my purpose, it is the root of my passion, and being an abortion survivor is, quite simply who I am.  It’s equally as difficult for me, sometimes, to put into words what it means to me to see people fighting for lives like mine every day, and what it’s like to see hundreds of thousands of people converge on Washington D.C. to not only acknowledge what was done 39 years ago through the Roe v. Wade ruling, but to acknowledge the lives of those that have been lost, the lives that have been forever changed, and even those lives, like mine that were meant to be lost but were saved.  And I was saved not only by God’s merciful hand, but through the acts and prayers of individuals just like all of you who are heading to Washington.

I have been blessed over the years to not only become acquainted with doctors and nurses who provided care for me after I survived my biological mother’s failed saline infusion abortion, but I have also been incredibly blessed to meet a Priest and over twenty laypeople from the community who used to march and pray outside of St. Luke’s Hospital in Sioux City, Iowa, back in 1977 in order to peacefully protest and offer their intercessions for lives to be saved.  It is no coincidence to me that out of a handful of abortion survivors, I hail from none other than Sioux City.  The prayers and actions of ordinary people led to an extraordinary thing happening-my survival! I pray that your time at the March further invigorates you to continue to do extraordinary things for lives like mine once you return to your own community.

As a mother and speaker, my schedule doesn’t always allow for me to attend the March for Life, but I can tell you that whether I am there marching alongside you, or I am somewhere else speaking, it brings truly genuine tears to my eyes to see and hear of the number of individuals in attendance, it touches a place deep inside of my soul to know that you are there, taking a stand for lives like mine, and that my preborn brothers and sisters, and all of us as abortion survivors, are remembered. 

“How do you know if you’re making a difference?” the man in the audience asked me during a question and answer session at a high school pro-life rally that I spoke at in 2011.  This moment will forever be ingrained in my memory.  I was not so much surprised at his question,as we all consider it from time to time, no matter what our life’s work, as much as I was at his tone.  The way that he posed his question made it sound as if he wondered the difference that someone like me, an abortion survivor, a pro-life speaker and advocate, can make in this world.

“I know that I’m making a difference every day.  I can feel it in the depths of my soul.  We may never know on this earth the difference that we make, but we have to have faith.  From time to time, I’m given a glimpse at the difference I make.”  The words that came out of my mouth in reply were heartfelt and true.  And despite his tone, the one that made me think he was looking for more quantitative data than a qualitative response, he seemed appeased by my answer.  But was I appeased? That was the real question…..

Months later, I am still appeased.  I believe every day that whether I am out speaking, appearing on tv or radio interviews, writing, or praying with Olivia for the lives of the preborn, I am making a difference.  By simply living, by existing as an abortion survivor, by being courageous enough to be honest with the world about who I am
and what happened to me, by sharing my story and life so that others can be informed and inspired, I am making a difference.  And yes, every once in awhile, my qualitative heart responses are given a quantitative number, a life saved, a heart changed, that further appeases my soul.

I know first-hand of three babies that were saved from abortion, this past year, after their mothers had the opportunity to hear me speak and know the truth about abortion.  I can think of at least six different young adults, this past year, who were courageous enough to come forward to me and share that their hearts and minds were changed on abortion after having met me and hearing me speak.   And most astoundingly to me, I can’t even begin to tell you how many post-abortive men and women have found healing and peace after getting to know me and the love and forgiveness that I offer to anyone who has been touched by abortion.  Truly, the emails and letters that I receive are staggering.  And although I am most pleased to have a hand in saving the lives of children like me who are vulnerable to abortion, I am just as pleased to be bringing about a change of heart and an opportunity to heal, in a world where so many have been wounded.

As 2012 gets underway, I look forward to each and every opportunity that I have to make a difference in this world, and the beauty of it all, is that although we may not always get the opportunity to know of the difference that we make by working to save and transform lives, by simply sharing of our lives, our truths, our love and forgiveness, we are all making a difference every day, no matter what role we play in that work, and maybe, just maybe, by this time next year, we will all have the opportunity to reflect on it together.

“Every pregnancy is different,” people kept reminding me.  “It must be a boy, who has the disposition of his father, all laid-back and calm, not fiery like his mother,” Ryan and I joked.  Call it a mother’s intuition, but I knew there was something incredibly different about my second pregnancy than my first.

Little did I know when I wrote an article in early September 2011 for LifeNews that the major difference in my two pregnancies was that the first resulted in a live birth, and the second would tragically end by a miscarriage at 11 weeks.

What  first started out as a mildly complicated pregnancy, when I was diagnosed with a ruptured ovarian cyst that I feared may result in miscarriage, quickly eased into a pregnancy absent of many of the uncomfortable symptoms that I experienced during my pregnancy with Olivia.  No heartburn-hooray! No morning sickness-great! But as the 79 days of my pregnancy progressed, my contentment and joy with my pregnancy and the presence of our second child developing in the womb took a terrible turn.  Although it’s  fairly common for women to experience spotting and bleeding during pregnancy, I couldn’t shake the fear that there was nothing normal about what was happening to me.  As I traveled across the U.S. for speaking engagements throughout September and October of 2011, I maintained frequent contact with my OB-GYN’s office, who was not overly concerned about my symptoms.  When my symptoms increased to include abdominal pain and cramping in late October, however, the nurse inquired if I would feel better if I had an ultrasound to confirm that all, was indeed, okay.

As the day of the ultrasound grew near, Ryan and I began to contemplate all of the “what-if’s” of the pregnancy and our child’s life.  Maybe there was truly something wrong? Maybe there was something physically wrong with me? I had done my research over the course of the preceding weeks.  It could be something as simple as a chorionic hematoma, a clot that formed between the placenta and the baby.  Bed rest until the blood clot passed might be ordered, which was more than fine with me.  I hate to sit still for any length of time, but I would do whatever it took to protect our child’s life.  Maybe there was something wrong with our baby? We were prepared to learn whatever the diagnosis and give our child all of the love and care necessary.  Maybe there had truly been a miscarriage, and our child was no longer alive? It crossed both of our minds, and we let the concerns and fears cross our lips, but Ryan and I held onto the hope that our ultrasound appointment would calm our fears and allow us the opportunity to come face to face with our second child for the first time.

The nagging fears came back full force as I described my weeks of symptoms and concerns to the ultrasound technician, and she began to perform the ultrasound.  As Ryan and I watched as

the images were projected onto the large, black television screen on the wall, the tears began to flow from my eyes.  There was no baby.  Picture after picture was taken of the womb.  We saw the gestational sac.  The empty gestational sac.  There was no baby.  And despite the ultrasound technician’s professionalism and compassion, encouraging us to wait for the results to be read by the radiologist before forming any conclusions, I knew.  Our child was gone.  I didn’t need a radiologist to tell me what my body, and truly God, had been telling me for weeks.  I had prepared myself for this moment, but yet, when it came, the pain was more than I could bear.

As Ryan and I waited for what seemed like hours in the dark quiet of the exam room, for the results of the radiologist’s assessment to come back, I crumpled into a heap in my husband’s lap and began the drawn out process of mourning for our child.  Little could my husband have known when we celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary just two days beforehand, that he would soon be trying to console and support his wife who had now become yet another statistic, in addition to an abortion survivor—one of the 1 in 4 women whose pregnancies end in miscarriage.

Although it is often easy for those with even the strongest of faith to question God during times of difficulty, I knew that God was sitting right there in the exam room with Ryan and I that fateful day in October, holding our hands, as we learned the painful truth of our child’s passing.  Not only did I feel Him there, but I saw Him, and I felt Him moving every day of our child’s life, opening my eyes and widening my heart for what was to come.  It’s hard for me to be brief in describing God’s presence during these experiences, but I will highlight the most poignant moments.

When I was not quite 9 weeks pregnant, God came to me in a dream.  I was in Indiana that night, having spoken at an event there that evening before heading off from there to Virginia for an event later that week.  In the dream, I experienced all of the symptoms of the miscarriage that I later went on to have, which, non-coincidentally, started four days after I had the dream.  In the dream, I remember crying out, “I don’t know why this is happening!” As I cried out, God was sitting there with me, holding my hand, and He calmly stated, “You don’t know yet, but I do.  Don’t be afraid.”  I remember waking up in a cold sweat that night, scared to death of what it might mean, but remembering, too, that I had nightmares about miscarriage during my pregnancy with Olivia.  As I tried to interpret the meaning of the dream in the following days, I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that this was no ordinary nightmare that I had experienced.  It was God, Himself, with a very clear message.

When the miscarriage symptoms started four days later, I was fearful, but not surprised.  The dream had prepared me for what was to come.  But what, exactly, was coming? As the days passed and my symptoms remained constant and later intensified, I didn’t know the painful truth, that our child had ceased developing and I was miscarrying, but the Lord  knew, and He was right there by my side.  In fact, not only did He walk with me, but He brought others into my life who would be of great support to our family in our time of loss.

On October 22^nd, I was blessed to speak at a benefit for the Paul Stefan Foundation, which is located in Locust Grove, Virginia.  As the foundation’s website (www.paulstefanhome.org) states, they are a “pro-life home, for those involved in a crisis pregnancy, that came into existence through the intercession of St. Andrew and Our Lady of Guadalupe.”  The foundation is named after Paul Stefan James who was born and died on December 13, 2005.   He was carried to term and delivered despite his mother having been advised to secure an abortion.  I was honored to meet Paul Stefan James’ parent’s, Randy and Evelyn, and as I spoke that evening at the gala, the words that kept coming from my lips were about God’s will, answering His call for our lives, whatever that call is, and the beauty that unfolds in this world when we simply say yes to Him.  It’s not out of the ordinary for the Holy Spirit to move me in one direction or another when I speak, but that night, I was so emotionally connected to those particular words, to Randy and Evelyn’s loss, and to the amazing good that was now being done for women and children in need through their son’s life, that I was overcome.

I could feel deep down in my soul that God was opening my eyes and widening my heart that night to something that I couldn’t yet understand, and as I became acquainted with the women at my table that evening—including a perinatal hospice nurse who had cared for Paul Stefan James and a young woman who had created a foundation that supports those who have experienced loss, LLOST (The Loss of Loved Ones Through Sudden Tragedy), http://www.llost.org/, after losing her brother through a tragic accident, I knew that none of this was an accident.  None of the experiences, none of the acquaintances I was making were happenchance.  God was widening His circle of support for me and preparing me for the inevitable.

This is a continuation from part one, Abortion Survivor Reflects on the Pain of Her Miscarriage.

“Was this pregnancy planned?” the doctor asked Ryan and I, as we sat in her office the morning after our ultrasound, for what was to be our first scheduled prenatal appointment, but which had also turned out to be our last.  I had already been crying in the office for well over five minutes before she asked us this, after initially trying to put on a brave face for the nurse, who compassionately let us know that she had seen the results of the ultrasound and knew what we knew, while kindly giving us her condolences for our loss.  I had the look about me of a woman who had experienced a deep loss, who was going through something traumatic; literally I had been crying more on than off for over 24 hours and had the looks about me to prove it.  Yet, seeing my mournful state, the doctor still inquired whether our pregnancy was planned.  I sensed that somehow she thought she was doing the right thing by asking us this, but really?! Was she under the belief that if our pregnancy was unplanned that losing our child didn’t hurt as much? That maybe somehow I was grateful, deep down inside, that our child had passed away? If she said something like that to me, knowing full well that I’m an abortion survivor and take such words very seriously, what did she say to other women, to other couples?

Just as I knew throughout the preceding weeks when God was opening my eyes and widening my heart for what was to come, the loss of our child, sadly, I knew at that moment in the doctor’s office that this was just the beginning of the journey for me.  I knew that there was much, much more I was going to experience throughout this process of loss that would forever change me and even affect what I believe about abortion.

My eyes were once again opened, as I proceeded later that morning to the pre-op appointment for the S & C, suction and curettage, that was scheduled for me for the following day.  Hearing words like miscarriage, surgery, D & C, S & C, are painful and scary enough for any woman, but for me, as an abortion survivor, the words pierced my heart like a knife.  I stayed up all hours of the night after finding out about the loss of our child, praying for his soul, praying for our family’s healing, and praying that God would finish what had been started, so that I didn’t have to go through the trauma of having the S & C done.   It sounded too much like an abortion.  I couldn’t stand the thought of them taking what was left of our child, even if it didn’t include his body.  But that was not His plan.  Physically, my body had been struggling to complete the miscarriage for weeks, and it was apparent that I would not be able to do this on my own

Due to a quick scheduling change on the part of the medical office, I headed into the appointment by myself , having convinced myself and my husband that I could do it alone.  It wasn’t going to be a big deal, just some paperwork, right? I felt deeply sorry for the medical clerk who greeted me that morning, who could see my tear-streaked and swollen face, my jaw set in an attempt to hold off an outpouring of my continued grief, and still had to process me through like every other patient, knowing, full well, what I was there for, my referral from the OB-GYN lying in front of her.  In the midst of my own trauma, I reflected at that moment on how it must be for the staff at abortion clinics.  How do they handle a woman as she walks through THEIR doors? Is she just another patient? Do they see her tears? Her pain?  As I grabbed a seat with my back to the door and gratefully, most of the patients, I couldn’t help but wonder about how many other women do the same each day? Whether in cases of miscarriage like ours, or in the case of an abortion, how many women enter a medical facility alone and face the wall so that they can try to blend in with the wallpaper like me?

As I looked around the room at all of the women, most with swollen, pregnant bellies, and still others with their newborns, all waiting to be seen by the doctors, I was overcome with grief.  If I could have found a corner of the room to throw up in, I would have.  But instead, I sat frozen in my seat, swollen tears falling from my face as I tried to shut out all that I saw and all that I felt churning inside of me.  It was ironic to be sitting there, knowing that my child had died and I now had to complete the process of losing him with medical assistance, while so many women around me were full of life or had just given birth to their children.  As I struggled to keep myself pulled together, I was reminded of something I have said to others, time and time again as a pro-life speaker:  “We never know what someone has gone through or is currently going through in their life, so it’s important not to judge or condemn them, but simply show love to them.”  Looking around that room, I wanted desperately to have been one of the other women, to not have our child lose his life, but who was I to judge? Who was I to know what those women had been or were going through? As I look longingly at a family with two children, a pregnant woman, a woman with her newborn, I remind myself of this still every day.

Although every piece of that day, including my pre-op appointment, preparing myself and my family for my surgery the next day, and sadly, telling our darling Olivia about the loss of her sibling were impactful and eventful, for the sake of time, I will fast-forward to the day of my surgery.  As Ryan and I sat in my room at the surgery center that Wednesday morning, and as each medical professional interacted with us, it felt surreal.  This couldn’t be me that I saw all of these things happening to? I felt detached from myself.  I felt numb.  I was grief-stricken over our child’s death.  I had never had surgery before, so I was scared out of my mind.  And despite my husband sitting right there with me, I felt so alone.  As the anesthesiologist asked me what the surgery was for, I thought I was going to scream out loud from the pain, and all the while, I wondered, “Do they think that I want to do this? Do they know what happened? Do they know that our child is already gone?”  And once again, I started to think about all of the women who have abortions.  What does an experience like this have to be like for them? How must they feel?

As I followed the nurse down the long hallway to the operating room that morning, the sobs once again racked my body.  I wanted to keep what was left of our child.  I didn’t want to do this.  I felt so alone.  As I climbed up onto the operating table, my sobbing increased.  I didn’t want to hyperventilate and make all of it even worse, but I couldn’t stop my crying.  “I’m so sorry,” I told the nurses, as they prepped me for surgery and tried to support me.  “It’s not you  or what you are doing, it’s just been a rough few days.  It’s so painful,” I remember telling the trio of nurses surrounding me.  “We know, honey, we’re so sorry for you,” the nurse said, as she began the IV-drip.  “This will help you calm down.”  Every step that I took down that hallway, every tear I shed as I lay on the operating table, in the midst of my own pain, I couldn’t stop thinking about the women who have abortions.  With all of the love and support that I had from my husband, family and friends, I still felt so alone, so scared.  What must it be like for a woman who has no support? I knew what had happened to our child and about the procedure that I was going through.  What about the women who are not educated about the development of their child, who is not told the truth about the abortion procedure, its’ potential complications, its’ consequences?