Abortion attempt survivor. Voice for the voiceless.

I had the awesome opportunity to be guest on Cornerstone Television’s Focus 4 Program recently (see a video clip and additional YouTube links on my Media page).  It was such a blessing to be a part of their program that day, sharing in the message about God at work in our lives, and I believe that it was no coincidence that Steve Feazel, a popular Christian speaker, writer, comedian, and producer was also on the show that day to discuss the new film Yellow Roses.

As a young woman, I struggled greatly with my self-esteem, my self-concept, and desperately wanted to be “normal,” despite the reality of how I entered this world.  For many years I did anything and everything that I could to fit in and camouflage the pain that I felt inside.  The courageous young women in this film share their own personal struggles with the pressure to fit in, the pressure to do anything and everything to be liked and wanted.  Most importantly, these beautiful young women share inspire others like them to heal from the pain and the experiences in their lives, and give them hope that no matter what, they ARE wanted and they ARE loved, by the God who loves us, even when we don’t love ourselves.

I encourage you to check out the trailer for Yellow Roses and visit the website at:  http://www.yellowrosesfilm.com for more information on the film, how to order it, and how to schedule a viewing if you are interested for youth in your school or your church.

The Diary of an Unborn Child, circa Awake! May 22, 1980. My adoptive parents had saved a newspaper clipping of this for me that I was able to read after finding out about surviving the saline infusion abortion. Such a sad but true account of what I, and all of the unborn who are aborted face:

OCTOBER 5: Today my life began. My parents do not know it yet, but it is I already. And I am to be a girl. I shall have blond hair and blue eyes. Just about everything is settled though, even the fact that I shall love flowers.

OCTOBER 19: Some say that I am not a real person yet, that only my mother exists. But I am a real person, just as a small crumb of bread is yet truly bread. My mother is. And I am.

OCTOBER 23: My mouth is just beginning to open now. Just think, in a year or so I shall be laughing and later talking. I know what my first word will be: MAMA.

OCTOBER 25: My heart began to beat today all by itself. From now on it shall gently beat for the rest of my life without ever stopping to rest! And after many years it will tire. It will stop, and then I shall die.

NOVEMBER 2: I am growing a bit every day. My arms and legs are beginning to take shape. But I have to wait a long time yet before those little legs will raise me to my mother’s arms, before these little arms will be able to gather flowers and embrace my father.

NOVEMBER 12: Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands. Funny how small they are! I’ll be able to stroke my mother’s hair with them.NOVEMBER 20:It wasn’t until today that the doctor told mom that I am living here under her heart. Oh, how happy she must be! Are you happy, mom?

NOVEMBER 25: My mom and dad are probably thinking about a name for me. But they don’t even know that I am a little girl. I want to be called Kathy. I am getting so big already.

DECEMBER 10: My hair is growing. It is smooth and bright and shiny. I wonder what kind of hair mom has?

DECEMBER 13: I am just about able to see. It is dark around me. When mom brings me into the world it will be full of sunshine and flowers. But what I want more than anything is to see my mom. How do you look, mom?

DECEMBER 24: I wonder if mom hears the whispering of my heart? Some children come into the world a little sick. But my heart is strong and healthy. It beats so evenly: tup-tup, tup-tup. You’ll have a healthy little daughter, mom!

DECEMBER 28: Today my mother killed me.—Anonymous

I just heard about this story on Family Radio the radio the other day, involving a 17-year-old, pregnant teen in Utah, who allegedly paid a man to beat her up and induce a miscarriage.  This young woman is accused of paying 21-year-old Arron Harrison $150 to beat her up, after her boyfriend threatened to break up with her if she didn’t get rid of the child.  She is now being charged in Juvenile Court with first degree felony criminal solicitation to commit murder, and she has been ordered by a Judge to remain in Juvenile Detention.

I must say that I am both horribly shocked but at the same time, not terribly surprised, by this unfortunate story.  When I was in high school and college myself, and now even when I visit high school and college campuses when I speak across the U.S., the incidence of young women inducing their own miscarriages was and is very commonplace.  What makes this young woman’s story so unique is the length at which she was willing to go to have this miscarriage, and the subsequent response to it.

I am saddened that this young woman felt such obvious pressure to end her pregnancy, for fear of losing her boyfriend.  Why is it that we punish this young woman for the poor choice that she made to place herself and her unborn child at risk, while her boyfriend, who influenced this decision, goes without any consequence?  Unfortunately, this is also a very common circumstance in our world; out of fear of losing her family, her friends, her significant other, her job or education, many women feel like ending their pregnancy, despite their own feelings about their unborn child, about having an abortion, is the only choice available to them to meet their needs.  All the while, the family, partner, friend, employer, whomever gave her the ultimatum, whomever backed her into a corner where she felt like abortion was the only choice, are not consequenced, are not even confronted by society for their actions or inactions to support the woman.

I don’t know for sure what drove my own mother to enter the hospital in August of 1977 to undergo the abortion attempt that was meant to take my life, but from what I’ve gathered so far from my biological father’s family, it may very well have been her father, my biological maternal grandfather, who influenced her to have the abortion.  My biological parents had dated for four years before becoming pregnant with me and from all accounts, they were in love with one another.  No one in my biological father’s family had any idea that my biological mother was ever pregnant with my father’s child.  The only thing that they do recall is that one night back in 1977, my maternal grandfather called my biological father and told him to “never darken their doorstep again.”  My biological parents broke up, and she was never seen with my father again.  My grandfather, a school administrator, was known to be a very demanding, commanding, controlling individual, and from the sounds of it, my mother’s life was not off limits to his control.

It’s interesting isn’t it, how this young woman, not much younger than my mother was when she became pregnant with me, is being charged with felony to commit murder for this incident, which gratefully did not severely harm her or her baby, but yet my own biological mother, who went through a five-day attempt to end my life, was never consequenced or scrutinized for the very same “choice” she made to attempt to end her child’s life.  Please know, by no means, do I believe that my mother should have faced criminal penalty for her choice to end my life, (her penalty has been to have to live with this for the rest of her life and ultimately face God someday), but I do want to point out the inconsistencies in our treatment of women and their so-called “choices”, and the often double standards that we impose.

I pray that this young woman comes out of this incident as best as she can, and that no matter what she chooses to do with her child, whether she keeps it, puts it up for adoption, that the baby is unharmed and is loved for who they are.  I can relate to this young woman’s unborn child.  I may have been unplanned by my biological mother, but I was far from being an unwanted child-just ask my adoptive parents.